I'm gay NOW.... no wait.... NNNNNOW!

So of the few people who know—every single one has asked me… “When did you first know you were gay?”

It’s a funny question because how do I answer that? It’s not like there was a definitive day when I was like, “OK, I’m gay.....NNNNNNNNNNOW!”

        

May 18^th, 2003 7:53pm…. I KNOW now! 

I'm always surprised by this question because, well, 1.) why does it matter? 2.) Why do you all wonder? and most importantly 3.) because I feel like by asking, you're (unintentionally) challenging me...

It's definitely a gradual process starting with curiosity, then piecing together that not all boys are feeling the same way, then understanding you're different (but not wrong) and then ending with acceptance. That being said, I think all gay people know that something is up around the same time that all kids (gay and straight) want to start getting it up.

I know a lot of people say, “Oh, I didn’t realize until college" or "I knew right before I came out…”

I think that’s bull shit—but I understand why one would say that. If you come out to people you’ve known all your life and you say, “Oh yeah, I’ve always known…” it might make that person reflect on your whole relationship a little differently. Like, “Ohh, so this whole time this kid’s just been lying to eeeeeveryone?”

It sort of invalidates everything you’ve ever done or thought or said when in reality it shouldn’t. “Does that mean he didn’t love that girlfriend of 4 years?”, “Does that mean every time he ate her out he was vomiting a little bit inside?”, "Would he just shower immediately afterwards and cry?"

No, No, and No.

It sort of creates this picture… of a confused phony.

I never lie though. I answer the question with something along the lines of, “Well, I guess I always knew it was there, but since I was dating girls, having sex with girls, and feeling very fulfilled by girls… it was very easy to dismiss it as…. Something else.”

“So what if I watch gay porn sometimes… I have a girlfriend.”

“I just like that it’s… taboo...”

So I have to be honest and admit that the gay stuff existed in my head, whether I acted on it or not…

Anyway, so there are many alternatives to that stupid questions, “When did you first know?” For example:

“When did you first think, ‘Hmm, I feel something weird towards that man and it isn’t like ‘I wish he were my best friend, brother, or Dad’?”

Woody and Wesley

Despite being a little ashamed I feel compelled to answer my own question. I was probably 11 years old, maybe 12. I was at my grandma’s house in the basement watching a movie by myself (not sure why I was alone). I remember the crappy TV set was on a cheap brass TV stand and I was sitting on an uncomfortable bar stool by choice. I was watching the 1992 basketball classic: White Men Can’t Jump and I was mesmerized by… Woody Harrelson. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't thinking, “OMG, Woody is so hot” or “Aww shit, blow me Woody, yeahh!” or  “I want to fuck you so bad, Woody!” I was 11 for crying out loud!

I just remember feeling different towards him and looking back, it was definitely sexual. I liked watching him play basketball shirtless. I liked the sex scenes when he was making out with his Latina girlfriend. I just liked watching him … doesn’t mean I knew I was gay but obviously in retrospect, yeah, that was a red flag that I know other boys weren’t feeling.

John

I don’t feel too bad about the Woody Harrelson crush after learning that my gay (former) friend Matt had his own weird childhood fantasy. He confided in me that when he was a kid, probably the same age, 11 or 12, he had a wet dream where he was…and I can’t remember the details… and I don’t want to paint this picture in your head so I’ll just say… he had a sexual dream starring John Lithgow.

I literally died when he told me. I had an idea of who John Lithgow was, but I wasn’t 100% sure, all I knew was that the face I had in my mind was horrible. I immediately ran to a computer to google image the shit outta him and… YEP… that was the guy I was imagining. I still die every time I think about this.

Anyway, keeping this post short: moral of the story, please don’t ask “When did you first know you were gay?”

Find an alternative that’s actually gonna get the answer you’re looking for….also…

I need to know… is it normal for young gay boys to fantasize about older, particularly unattractive famous men? Is it just a learning phase?… 

“Hi, I’m 11, so I’m kinda new to all of this… I think I like… old and bald? Yes, that’s gonna be my type. Gimme the old bald ones!”