I have many gay friends who act pretty darn straight. When we go out people have a hard time believing we're even gay-- and I'm not trying to be one of those "straight-acting" gay men who put themselves on a pedestal as if we're better than non-masculine gay men. I see a bunch of dudes who think that being masculine makes them a higher caliber gay. I'm not saying that.
Like the homophobic homo defense, "Ok ok, yes I am gay... but at least I'm not running around in leather, wearing a feather boa, and using cum as hair gel!!!"
That makes me angry.
It's the same shame people get when they are asked if they bottom, "Me? Eww, I'm a top!! Bottoming is gross."
Awww! Is it? Fuck you, you power bottom. You're gay. Don't act grossed out by a butt hole. Bitch.
Masculinity can be a sensitive subject for some gay men. Wait. Let me rephrase that. Masculinity can be a sensitive subject for ALL men. I get it, I get it-- but preferring a dick in your ass vs. your dick in a pussy CAN have an effect on the psyche of a growing gay man. Society reeaally has done a good job of emasculating gay men. I get it. I wish it weren't that way. It's hard not to succumb to the norms that society creates. It is. But we're getting there, we are.
But that's not the point of this entry.
I'm simply trying to start a dialogue, not generalize or be a hypocrite but... for me... personally...
I have had this social anxiety issue for pretty much my whole life where... let me set the stage: you're in a group setting... with a bunch of strangers/new people... and no one has anything to say... but you want to make a good impression because they're like your coworkers or extended family... So what do you talk about? Safe things... things like... the weather or traffic or.... sports. Sports. SPORTS.
I really like sports. I don't watch them because there are other things I'd rather be doing with my time and I don't really have the attention span for it but I think they're great. I love being physically active and I'm super competitive (to a fault). I played all kinds of sports as a kid so I'm not one of those people who has no idea what's going on... I know the rules and I can get plugged into pretty much any game. I have two straight brothers and my dad is a huge Giants fan. I grew up around it. Really. I think sports are a great thing. I do...
But... BUT...
When people start talking about football I get this oh-too-familiar feeling of anxiety where... I start clamming up and sweating. I look in all different directions, avoiding the conversion, avoiding eye contact. Smiling awkwardly, hoping that the person changes the subject immediately and if they don't I desperately look for a way out. Agreeing with whatever statistic they're rattling off, smiling and nodding-- If I'm feeling particularly risky sometimes I'll try to reference a player I know... and pray I'm associating them with the right team-- picking out a single memory I had once and hoping it's still relevant.
"Yeah, I really like Joe Flacco, I can't tell you why, but I just do.... Oh? Oh, he's not a rookie anymore? Oh. Yeah, I guess that was 4 years ago."
I always liked the Jets. So that's the team I know the most about, but also my interest sorta ebbs and flows in that, one year I'd be MUCH more abreast of what is going on, then 2 years go by and I don't watch a single game. A lot of my football knowledge goes back to around 2010 or so... that's when I cared a little bit more.
So again I'd be like, "Yeahhh, Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow on the same team!! What a bunch of clowns, right?... oh, what? Ohh. Oh yeah! He's like second string for Eagles now and Tim Tebow doesn't even play. That's right forgot. Ooops."
Dead give away that I haven't tuned in in about 2 years.
One day at work my team went to a formal lunch which is always a little awkward. Of course none of us have very much in common except work, but everyone is actively trying to NOT talk about work in an effort to make this a relaxing lunch break... not an extension of the work day. So what does that mean?
Takes aboutttt 3 min for football to come up--especially because of this controversy around the Patriots deflating their balls. FUCK.
I begin to fidget in my seat.
I become quiet.
Which is also awkward because I'm normally not that quiet so it's obvious that I have no opinions and no insight.
I think about going to use the restroom and hopefully they would be done by the time I got back. But NO! Can't do that. Instead I zone out of the conversation but then think, wait, I might want to jump in. I at least want to be engaged incase they ask me for my opinion, if I'm paying attention I can "wing it" better. Shit. I frantically try to listen, my eyes bouncing from each person as they speak, secretly absorbing every comment, allowing myself to form an opinion on the fly as the convo unravels.
I learn that literally every person at the table has an opinion about last night's game. EVERYONE. The cute little blonde bitch knows more than me. The woman who just got back from maternity leave is WAY too into it and her palpable hatred for the Patriots makes me even more nervous.
I shrink in my seat.
I think to myself: Do I socialize with anyone like this? Yes, all of my college friends were straight and they knew all this shit. They would talk about sports all day. It was boring. I wish I could recruit one of them at a moment's notice to speak for me in these conversations. I think about my other friends. The gays.
NONE of them could participate. NONE. Despite being straight acting as hell, none of my friends could carry this conversation. In fact, I think all of them would vote me as the most equipped... that thought made me feel better...but despite it all I was struggling to stay afloat.
Maybe it's obvious by now and by how I'm talking but I am NOT out as a gay man at work. It's too corporate America. Too formal. I just don't feel the need to come out in the workplace. It's just not worth it to me.
I remember another instance, few years ago a coworker was talking about football ad nauseam. I was polite and placated him. I asked him normal things that people do when they're having a conversation--as if he were just talking about a TV show I hadn't watch. Just polite. Until finally I said "Sorry, I haven't really been following" or something to imply I couldn't really intelligently continue the conversion-- very natural. Not rude. Just like, "Oh I don't really follow the Red Skins." Everyone here loves the Red Skins. *eye roll*
He got really annoyed with my lack of interest in football-- like personally offended. Visibly frustrated, he said, "What is wrong with you!! Why don't you watch sports?"
It was so bizarre to him. Truly unfathomable. It was so unnatural for him to be around another male who didn't watch sports. He couldn't wrap his head around the idea--- as if he were asking, "What do you mean you don't pee standing up? You're a boy. What's wrong with you? What do you mean you don't watch football?"
I panicked because he was drawing attention to something that made me uncomfortable and I remember my response, thinking it made for a good defense, "Ohh, I don't know, I don't have time-- I used to watch in college but since I'm not around it, I just don't."
Which was true. And not a bad response-- or at least I didn't think so.
He looked at me like I had 5 heads and was like, "Wow, you sound so gay right now."
That's when I melted into a puddle and just splashed to the ground and flooded out of existence.
We were at work for crying out loud! Go FUCK yourself.
Why does this even matter?!?
I know there are tons of gay men who watch football and on the flip side there are a lot of straight men who don't watch football.... I can definitely think of 1 or 2.... but that's just it. 1 or 2... odds are pretty small. It's just bizarre to me. So be it.
